Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
