My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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