At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You can't special order awesome
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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