You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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