me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
