i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
