So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
