You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
