Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
