I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
