I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
