I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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