I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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