Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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