Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
