2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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