dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
