he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
