my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Never joke about your clitoris.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
