I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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