Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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