you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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