Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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