I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
