there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
