my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
