So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
