Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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