For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
