Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
