I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize