I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I stole a fireplace last night.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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