Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
