bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
