On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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