i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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