he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
