Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
