You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
