Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
