this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
