pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
