Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
