had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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