i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
