Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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