you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
