Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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