He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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