Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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