no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
