I am puke
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
