Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
