it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
