why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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